A native of the Lanarkshire mining village of Holytown John joined the Police Service in 1971.

He recently retired from Strathclyde Police after 30years service. Prior to retiral he was Superintendent at Govan - a quaint little fishing village on the banks of the Clyde!

He jogs five miles each day which suits his wife perfectly - by the end of the week he is 35 miles away from her.

John joined Lanarkshire Referees' Association in 1970 and has often been compared to World Cup referee Hugh Dallas - compared to Hugh Dallas he is brilliant! His refereeing career has seen him officiate at Scottish Amateur Cup Finals at youth and full amateur level.

John formerly worked Monday to Friday in the Police and refereed on a Saturday. He really looked forward to a Sunday as this is the only day that his parentage was not openly questioned.

Since 1998 he has been a regular on the after dinner circuit at a variety of venues ranging from local establishments to top hotels throughout the UK.

He can be relied upon to be suitable for any audience, mixed or otherwise. He is never blue and has a style which is comfortably anecdotal, incorporating humorous one liners. John is a master of mischief and character assasination however he is aware that his job is to entertain and not to offend.

As his accolades imply, his true and extremely funny refereeing anecdotes allied to stories gathered from 30 years in Strathclyde Police continue to enrich and entertain the after dinner circuit, and hopefully will do so for many years to come.

Although happy to accept any challenge, John specialises in speaking at Corporate Events, Golf Days, Sportsman's Dinners and Burns Suppers.

A SELECTION OF ACCOLADES.
(Corporate)
''John McKelvie- really was superb. He was just spot on with the manner, humor and timing. It was really a great end of the awards. He seemed to know everyone there too! Again, a really lovely guy to deal with too''.
Lauren Blair, MacKay Hannah Ltd, Scottish Transport Awards 2008

'I have received hugely complimentary feedback from attendees commenting on your highly entertaining speech. Your ability to customise the humour to suit the audience focusing on selected individuals was expertly done and well received. You stole the show without ever resorting to offensive material. My committee have instructed me to act immediately and book you for next year's dinner'
Sam Lavery MBE Appeals Co-ordinator St Andrews Hospice. 2001

'I dont need to tell you how well you did, John, the audience made that abundantly clear. Over a fifth of our guests were female and I knew that I could depend on you to be really amusing without offending the sensitivities of guests who are also friends and supporters. The standing ovation at the end of the evening was well deserved'
Sam Lavery MBE Appeals Co-ordinator St Andrews Hospice. 2004

'How can I begin to thank you for the part you played in making Thursday night's event such a success. We have always taken great pride in managing to secure the services of excellent speakers at our dinner and this year proved no exception. You have followed many famous people including Johnnie Beattie, Andy Cameron and Andrew Neil who have all spoken at this event and you are up their with the best. I do hope our paths will cross some time in the future'
Helen C McLauchlan, Fundraising Manager, Accord Hospice

'Just a brief note to thank you very much in ensuring that my dinner on Sunday night was a huge success, this in no small measure was due to your input. I know that everyone present enjoyed themselves enormously and this was due largely to your efforts'
The Rt. Hon.Dr John Reid MP, Secretary of State for Northern Ireland

'It is always a pleasure to listen to an after dinner speaker who has the ability to hold the attendance of a well oiled audience without having to resort to the use of foul and colourful language. All who attended the dinner has been quick to mention your outstanding speech'
John Stevenson Insurance & Actuarial Society of Glasgow

'Many thanks for a wonderful evening last week. The charity would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your excellent after dinner speech the feedback to which has been most complimentary. Thank you once again'
Una Taylor, Chest, Heart & Stroke Scotland Foundation Inverness

'Very few of our good speakers get away with making a single appearance at our dinner and I fully expect that we would wish to have you back to carry on where you left off. I should like to thank you for your contribution to our dinner, it was highly enjoyable and much appreciated.'
James E Robinson ,Sec., Larkhall Professional & Businessmens Club

'It is always very difficult to secure the services of a witty and entertaining speaker such as yourself and judging by the favourable comments that have been passed on from our faculty members your speech was a great success. We assure you of a warm welcome should you ever be kind enough to speak at one of our future social events'
Cheryl Gibson, Airdrie Faculty of Solicitors

'You will have noticed that our dinner is attended by a wide age group and it was clear from your ovation that your range of witty anecdotes hit the spot across the spectrum. Your input relied on neither smut nor foul language. I have heard many top rated speakers over the years however I consider yours to have been outstanding. Please accept my sincere thanks'
Tom Forrest, Dean, Incorporation of Tailors of Rutherglen

'John, I do not need to tell you that your speech was well received. The reaction of the entire audience was evidence enough. Your style of wit and delivery are unique and you were the topic of conversation throughout the company in the weeks following the dinner. To be confronted by an array of multi national guests would have been a bridge too far for many a speaker'
Paul Garnham, Shell Expo Awards Dinner, Aberdeen

'On behalf of the company I thank you once again for your excellent performance at our Long Service Dinner. Not only was your material fresh but your delivery and timing as you told a story was first class. I was more than impressed by the manner in which you found out details of some of the characters in attendance over dinner and included them in your stories'
DJH Black Human Resource Manager Weir Pumps Ltd

'What can I say about your performance on Wednesday evening? I am still receiving rave reviews about you. Your name has been passed to many others who thought your performance was most entertaining'
Lisa Reekie, Rutherglen & Cambuslang Business Network Dinner

'Thank you for speaking at our recent dinner at the Hilton Grosvenor. Your entertainment was warmly received by all of the guests who felt it was refreshing to listen to someone who can relay such amusing anecdotes and engage the audience so skillfully. At the end of the evening my sides were sore with laughter'
Claire McKenzie, Events Co-ordinator Eventful Scotland

'I write to express our Boards sincere appreciation of your excellent contribution towards the success of our Annual Dinner. Our members have come to expect top quality speakers and none had cause for disappointment with your superbly delivered and hilarious speech into which you obviously put a great deal of thought and preparation'
Bill Goodall, Secretary, Edinburgh & District Master Builders Fed.

'Many thanks for livening up our evening for us. I have received some very complimentary comments re your speech at Thursday evenings dinner & I will certainly engage you for future events. I am delighted to know someone I can rely on to entertain an audience without knowing anything about them - appealing to everyone and offending no one'
Jenny Herron Events Manager, Roy Inst of Chart Surveyors Scotland

'Thank you for your very entertaining and highly amusing Toast to the Institute The comments I have received have been very favourable and full of praise. It was duly noted that all your stories spoke for themselves without recourse to some of the more colourful language utilised by some after dinner speakers today. Once again please accept our thanks for a thoroughly entertaining speech on which it would be difficult to improve'
N.P.Hardy Scottish Branch Secretary, The Inst. of Asphalt Technology

'Our Surveyors Dinner was very well received. We thoroughly enjoyed your toast, your humour and delivery were very polished and the reaction of the attendees showed that they were in full accord with those sentiments. Once again thanks for your excellent company and input on the night'
Chris M Lyon Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors Dumfries Branch

'My personal thanks for an excellent speech. You achieved an excellent balance with your humour and excellent repartee on the full range of your experiences. Without a doubt you were the best speaker we have had and the reaction of the audience on the evening certainly reflected that'
Ewan Wallace, President, Aberdeen Association of Civil Engineers

'It says on your letterhead The Speaker To Fit The Occasion and you most certainly fitted our dinner very well. Our guests fully appreciated your level of humour and content of your speech very much and you certainly helped round off a successful evening on a highpoint. Thank you once more'
Richard Alexander, President, Institute of Chartered Shipbrokers

'Many thanks for the excellent presentation at our Annual Dinner last Friday. I have already received two letters from attendees which include the comments - Your Invited speaker did you proud and The speaker was of the highest standard'
Keith Watson Honorary Sec Institute of Electrical Engineers Scotland

'I can honestly say that all our members and their guests thoroughly enjoyed your patter. It is so refreshing these days to get a good speaker, such as yourself, who can be very funny without being so rude as to embarrass the female company present. It is also helpful to have your contact number for a return visit in the not too distant future'
John Crossan, Hon Secretary, Glasgow Freight Club

'Thank you very much for your attendance and company at our recent dinner and for such an excellent speech. I hope you dont think Im being patronising but you judged the audience perfectly and made it relevant to both the event and the location. I hope I get the opportunity to hear you speak again'
Emma Spence, President, Pipeline Industries Guild Scotland

'On behalf of Inverclyde Council I would like tot hank you for your after dinner speech at our recent Sport Personality Awards Dinner. The night was an overwhelming success due in no small measure to your contribution. In particular I would like to thank you for recognising, through your speech, that there was a mixed audience both in gender and age. Thank you again'
Willie Wilson, Community Services Manager Inverclyde Council

(FOOTBALL)

'Its not easy following speakers of the calibre of a Thistle legend like Alan Rough but you did it in superb style, well deserving of the standing ovation you received'
Alan Dick Chief Executive Partick Thistle FC

'I know it is not easy to commence a dinner and I was more than impressed by the way you managed to win over the entire audience with your repertoire of stories and most importantly humour'
Andy McCarle Dundee United Dinner Committee Chairman

'Just a few lines thanking you for your excellent contribution to our Annual Dinner. The feedback has been excellent and I hope you enjoyed the occasion as much as your audience did. Looking forward to your return to Pittodrie'
Lesley Campbell, Marketing Executive, Aberdeen FC

'I would like to thank you on behalf of the committee, members and guests for a thoroughly entertaining evening. I am sure you were able to tell from the amount of laughter that everyone found your input immensely enjoyable. Many of those present expressed their appreciation personally to the committee'
Frank Gray Sec Heart of Midlothian FC Shareholders Association

'On behalf of St Mirren Football Club I would like to thank you for your hilarious and professional performance at our 125th Anniversary Dinner in the Normandy Hotel on Friday night. The dinner was a huge success and you ensured that everyone was in the mood to enjoy the remainder of the evening'
Campbell Kennedy Commercial Manager St Mirren Football Club

'Its never easy to follow a top TV personality such as Emlyn Hughes but you, in your own entertaining and inimitable style held our guests totally captivated for the final forty five minutes'
Forbes Shand Chairman Huntly FC

'John - a brief note to thank you again very much for coming along last night - I hope you enjoyed it, we all certainly thoroughly enjoyed your speech. Many of the players and supporters came up to me later on asking that I pass on their appreciation for an excellent evenings entertainment'
Craig Graham Spartans FC Edinburgh

'On behalf of the Association our sincere thanks for your most excellent contribution to our dinner last night. You had the audience in the palm of your hand as you delivered your countless stories. Those in attendance (if they made it) will have gone to their work this morning with a smile as they tried to recall your jokes. This was our first dinner, and we have already created a problem in following on from last night. Once again, thanks for a most enjoyable evening'
Larry Walls Social Co-ordinator Lothian & Edinburgh Amateur F.A.

'May I, on behalf of the Maurice Doyle Testimonial Committee, thank you from the heart of my bottom no, sorry, from the bottom of my heart for a terrific evening's entertainment. Everyone I have spoken to says the same thing That big polis was brilliant. John once again thank you most sincerely for making a good night great and I look forward to seeing you again in Fife'
Mike Payne, Secretary, Maurice Doyle Testimonial Committee

'You and Rod Woodward had everyone rolling in the aisles. The feedback has been excellent with everyone enjoying themselves immensely. Your excellent stories complemented your sharp one liners. Thank you once again'
Peter McGrath, Withington Posh 25th Anniversary Dinner, Manchester

'Thank you for your excellent entertainment at the Billy Holmes testimonial evening - you ensured everyone had a good night. I have to tell you that , a week later, everyone at Saturdays game was repeating your one liners. Hope to see you back at Cambuslang soon'
Gordon Henry, President, Cambuslang Rangers FC

'May I personally thank you for your part in ensuring that our evening was a great success. All feedback has been most positive and I would thoroughly recommend you for any similar event.'
William Cadence SFA Referees (Fife) Annual Dinner

(Golf)

'Our social convener certainly excelled in providing such an excellent speaker and your contribution was a major factor in making this probably the best event in recent times'
Derek Black Secretary Carluke Golf Club

'The feedback from our recent dinner has been very positive with the widely felt view that this was the best dinner we have ever staged. This is in no small way a reflection on the entertainment provided by you which was greatly appreciated'
R. D Smith, Secretary, Taymouth Castle Golf Club.

'Just a short note to say thank you for making our annual Sportsmans Dinner a terrific evening. Your performance on the night will be remembered for a very long time and you indeed were the star of the show It would give me great pleasure to recommend your services to anyone in the future'
Stephen M Findlay, House & Bar Convenor, Kirkintilloch Golf Club

'Many thanks to your good self for a highly entertaining evening which delighted a captivated audience. Indeed some of the members were still laughing on the Monday morning after the event. I do hope they eventually got home. I have heard reports of best night ever simply superb wonderful evening and What was the speakers name and for these you must be congratulated!'
Louis Fairlie, SecManager, Kingsnowe Golf Club Limited Edinburgh

'Just a short note to thank you for your most entertaining speech on Friday night. Your input attracted many favourable comments from members and guests alike and lived up to all expectations. You came highly recommended by our previous speaker, Stuart Smith, and I think I can say he was 100 per cent right'
Graeme Hope, Secretary, Troon St Meddans Golf Club

'It goes without saying that the night was a tremendous success. You hit the right note throughout and your speech rounded off what was a perfect week for us in the Highlands. I have had nothing but compliments from participants and would thank you on their behalf. Looking forward to Speyside in October'
Ian McCaig, Celtic Links, Scottish Golf Classics

'Many thanks for your humorous and personalised input at our recent Past Captains Dinner. Your speech, wit and delivery was very much appreciated and much commented upon. We look forward to your return to Hayston in the near future'
John Carmichael , Secretary, Hayston Golf Club Kirkintilloch

'On behalf of Dunniker Park Golf Club I would like to thank you for your attendance at our recent Sportsmans Dinner. The feedback from the evening was excellent and everyone enjoyed your experiences of life as a polis in Govan. Thanks once more and I look forward to hearing you again'
Raymond Johnston, Secretary, Dunnikier Park Golf Club, Kircaldy

'Thank you for being such excellent company on the night. Your speech was well received and expertly delivered. I believe some of the lawyers in the audience are still using your Glasgow Police FBI joke around the courts'
Dr Owen C McHugh BMA Golf Society Dinner

(Rugby)

'Just a line of appreciation of your superb contribution to Friday Nights dinner. You gauged the audience perfectly with a speech which was one of the best I have heard in twenty years of attending Rugby dinners. Thank you for agreeing to speak at my testimonial dinner later this year'
James McLaren, Vice President, Cumbernauld Rugby Club

'Just a personal note to say thank you for your funny & entertaining speech on Saturday evening. The words on the street are articulate & precise charming & witty through to ultra professional Once again you have stamped your authority as being one of the finest in the field. Thank you.'
Steven J Traynor, Chairman, Bannockburn Rugby Club Dinner

'I have spoken to a number of our sponsors who had tables on the evening. Everyone that I have spoken to enjoyed your speech very much and more than one person has commented how, at 11.45pm, you managed to control and hold a well lubricated audience without the general punctuation of speech that we have witnessed from other speakers. Thank you once more.'
Bob Blair, Secretary, Falkirk Rugby Club

'At our recent dinner you immediately got the attention of the hall & proceeded to hold their attention with a witty, interesting and enjoyable speech. Hopefully the club will hear more of your enjoyable tales in the very near future'
Gerard McCabe, Sec, Waysiders Drumpellier Rugby Football Club

'I have forgotten how many Rugby Club Dinners I have attended throughout my sixty four years. Never before have I seen a speaker receive a standing ovation at the end of his speech. You certainly brightened up my evening and that of all attending. You will definitely make a return visit to our club'
Jock Hally, President, Perthshire Rugby Club Annual Dinner

(General Sports)

'On behalf of Scone Bowling Club members I would like to express our deepest appreciation of your invaluable and entertaining contribution to a highly successful and most enjoyable evening. We all eagerly look forward to next years dinner and your return. I would commend your services to anyone seeking pleasant company and a first rate after dinner speaker'
Robert Bain, Entertainment Convenor, Scone Bowling Club

'Just a short note to thank you for your attendance and excellent after dinner speech which each & every one of our guests thoroughly enjoyed. Your presence certainly ensured the evening was the success that it turned out to be'
Jim Hodge, Registration Secretary, Kilwinning Sports Club

'Excellent ! In the past our members have been hard to please. You immediately won them over with your novel and sterling performance. Your speech was ideally structured and tailored to meet the requirements of the audience. You were all that I expected - and more. Well done once more and Haste ye back'
Ian Macleod, Director, The Gentlemens Sporting Club, Glasgow

'Just a short note to thank you for your magnificent contribution to our dinner on Friday night. It was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone present as was evidenced by your bookings on the night for other Cricket Dinners by our guests from fellow clubs. I do hope that our paths will cross in the near future'
Eddie Rose, Secretary, Hillhead Cricket Club Dinner

'We thoroughly enjoyed our first ladies dinner. Your input and humour were appreciated by all ladies attending. It takes a certain type of speaker to speak at a ladies evening, be funny, yet not offend anyone. You did that with style and panache. I hope to meet you again at some future event'
Lena Normand Scone Ladies Bowling Club Dinner

(Burns)

'Superb! I sympathised with you as the previous speaker unwittingly stole your theme for the evening. I then watched in amazement as you totally rewrote your speech as he spoke and seconds later stood up and delivered it as if you had rehearsed it for a month. Your nerves of steel and infectious manner certainly won over me, not to mention the assembled company. A brilliant delivery'
John Freeland Secretary Hamilton Burns Club.

'During the meal you were like a Lion stalking your prey. You then snared them with your one liners and went on to completely devour them with your excellent stories. You were in a class of your own'
John Nicholson,President, Greyfriars Burns Club, Perth

'You cast a spell over the entire audience for thirty five minutes. This spell was lifted only by the tumultuous applause at the end of your input. At our past three Burns Suppers you have proposed the Toast to the Lasses, Toast to the Guests and the Immortal Memory, one better than the other. Can you improve on perfection next year?'
Reg Sgt Major P McLellan Royal Log Corps, Burns Suppers '98 - 2000

'If only I were Robert Burns and had the words I could use at least two A4 pages telling you how much we enjoyed your Toast to the Lassies at the above event. I think however that the reaction from the 160 people attending said it all'
Charles Provan, Larkhall Professional & Businessmens Club

'Much criticism has been levelled at Rangers FC for stealing Tina Turners hit Simply the Best. Following the late call off of one of the artistes and through your gracious assistance we enjoyed a fitting tribute to the bard. This must have been the only time that the Toast & Reply were offered by the same person, not to mention Tam O Easterhoose. Everyone who was privileged to share in Mondays celebration think you are Simply the Best'
Thomas Donaldson, Chair, Wishaw Old Parish Church Burns Supper

'Thank you for making our Annual Burns Supper last week such a success. The Immortal Memory is, as you know, the central pillar of a Burns supper and your own inimitable delivery was both informative and highly entertaining while it has to be said your Tam O' Easterhoose was an absolute showstopper. Many thanks once again'
Jeff Ord OstJ QFSM GIFireE Firemaster Strathclyde Fire Brigade